traveling the dirt road

your smile, your gesture

enriches and humbles me

my spirit thanks you

I am happily exhausted after a day in the office. It’s wonderful to be part of the work world that I love so much. I am also grateful for the kindnesses from colleagues. People in my work life are wonderful. They open doors for me, help me get lunch, pick up things that I unfailingly drop and offer to get lunch for me. One colleague makes me laugh by flicking on my office light that turns off when I sit still too long. It’s remarkable and touching that people extend such kindness in the midst of their own stressful and hectic day.

It is a blessing to have supportive relationships that can survive a diagnosis of cancer. Honestly, some friends will fade into your past. Many people may not be able to deal with a friend’s diagnosis; they will find ways to distance themselves. They may even find ways to criticize the relationship to objectify their inability to cope. Of course, life bestows no vow that friends will ride by your side when you hit the dirt road. Some will get out before you can close the window at the first cloud of dust. Others will bounce around a while, but you’ll recognize their lack of enthusiasm. They will get out as soon as the opportunity allows them to exit without getting dirty.

We cannot predict who will flick on the light to brighten our space. We cannot predict who will bounce along the dirt road and laugh with us about our bruises. I only know that when others bless me with their personal generosity, my spirit soars.

5 6 7 8

cancer sucks

rampaging life so

precious, this hateful disease

curses our blossoms

I read a lot about breast cancer. Other blogs. Stats. Information about coping Information on available protocols. Inevitably, I come across material I simply don’t like to read. I don’t like the words, incurable or, worse, palliative, or distant metastasis or survival rates. You cannot read about what’s going on in your body and be completely objective. You try. You act like you’re quite objective, indeed. Ultimately, that’s a lot of crap.

Last night and this evening I was browsing blogs, and out of about seven sites, four of the bloggers had died from their breast cancer. I did not know any of those women, but I cried–no, I sobbed for them, for their husbands, for their children, for their friends and for their parents who expected to die before their daughters. So many in the prime of their lives lose their lives to this freakin’ disease. Cancer sucks.

do what you love to fight cancer

green leaves fluttering

against cloudless azure sky

welcome Terpsichore

Thinking past the immediacy of this disease is sometimes a challenge. It can dominate every aspect of your life. I fight it. I want other parts of my life that have always been important to me to remain important. Some days, especially when you feel bad, it can be a stretch to balance taking care of yourself–a required and important first priority–and doing what you love. Maybe your level of energy sags through the day, making you feel you cannot muster the energy to do anything but sleep. At other times you feel bad but notice that doing even ten minutes of something you love really lifts your spirit.

Choose something you love and recognize that your reduced energy will allow you less time or vigor in performing. Then, just allow yourself to experience the richness of the moment. Write. Dance. Sing. Walk. Draw. Paint. Photograph. Knit. Crochet. Recite a poem. Read a funny passage out loud. Cuddle. Hold hands. Daydream. Imagine outrageous ideas. Break some rules. The list is as long as we all are diverse.

One day when I thought I could barely move, I got up to dance and felt like the muse of dance was holding my hand. I did not leap. I did not jump. I did not twirl. I did not roll to the floor. I did dance to express how I felt at the moment, and it was as exhilarating as some of the most memorable moments of performing.

Cancer can easily control every part of our life; it’s the nature of this disease. Listen to your muse and fight back. You’ll feel better even if it’s just knowing that you denied cancer from having those five minutes of you.

5 6 7 8

queasy queasy

The roller coaster hit the valley today and stayed there for much of the day. Most of the time I deal with the queasiness with my arsenal of ginger and a few puffs. Today, I ended up taking the  prochlorperazine (Compazine®) as I could not otherwise calm down the cranky tummy. Seemed like every movement made me retch. I had to keep taking breaks, and tonight I have just vegged for the evening.

I am still itching, though it seems to be confined mostly to my hands and my feet. We are wondering whether I am having a reaction to the anti-flea medication that we apply to Buster’s coat of fur once a month. I don’t itch, though, every time I pet or touch him. Go figure. That is the best guess at the moment.

5 6 7 8

cancer fear and coping

here comes the lion
staring me straight in the eye
i don’t want to look

Some days the fright crawls under your skin, creeps across your scalp and etches itself on your face. You want to slap it away, but the anxiety paralyzes you. Some days the fear drains every reserve of your courage. You think you are fine, and suddenly the most inconsequential conversation sends you running back inside yourself. Tears fall so fast you can’t catch them.

Coping with the fear that accompanies cancer is an ongoing challenge. Some days bravado chases the fear away. For me, distractions are good; I simply ignore my fear. Some days I put it in a box and close it.

One technique that works for me, especially at night when the lion comes roaring into my head, is imagery combined with progressive relaxation. I dance the lion back into his cage and lock it. Then I cover the cage. Then I turn out the light and leave the building. I close my eyes. I walk to the ocean and listen to the sound of the waves crashing on the shore. I lie down in the warm sand and begin to contract and relax my muscles, starting with my feet and working through every muscle group to the top of my head. With each muscle contraction and release I breathe deeply and continue to focus on my imaginary setting. After I complete the full circuit of muscle contraction and release, I concentrate on breathing, using hatha yoga breathing techniques along with the continued imagery. Sometimes this is the only way I can get to sleep.

Finding your own imaginary setting is a fun part of this exercise. It can be different every time or the same. When I taught prenatal exercise, I finished every session with this exercise; invariably, the class participants were asleep by the time we finished. Maybe this exercise will help you, too. I’ll be happy to answer any questions you might have to help you build your own routine.

today’s feel-good pop songs

music opens a

window to refresh my life

always inspiring

Sometimes you hear a piece that, even though it might not even be something you particularly like or want in your collection, you can’t help but feel a little lift when you hear it. Here are a few that always make me want to dance. That, of course, is always a required ingredient for me for a feel-good song. Guess I was in a mood for oldies. Enjoy.

Girls Just Want to Have Fun
Cindy Lauper

Living la Vida Loca
Ricky Martin

Love Shack
B52s

Fun Fun Fun
Beach Boys

Spill the Wine
Eric Burdon and War

Let’s Dance, Let’s Shout
Jackson Five

Rock with You
Michael Jackson

California Dreaming
Mamas and Papas

Windy
Association

Walking in Sunshine
Katrina and the Waves

Summertime
Will Smith

5 6 7 8

chemo 2.3.3 and silly morning

don’t you wonder what
he’s thinking when you crank up
your sillier grrrl

Marvin is a professional photographer. I am not. I am trying, however, most of the time to improve my skills as a devout amateur. I love it. I also love shooting spontaneously with my iPhone usually poor photos, though, in my opinion, fun photos.

Here we are on our way to my chemo morning. It was the glorious start of a glorious day: blue skies early with no hint of that often lurking marine layer. We left early because I needed to have blood tests today (every other week) to qualify me for the event. Sometimes I believe I am so clever and cute and entertaining LOL, but you can see the look on Marvin’s face, hehe: why me. Some days I can’t help myself and feel like laughing at most anything. Marvin makes me laugh a lot with his natural wry wit; oh, but he can be silly, too, and I love that every time. Me, I’m just goofy and proud of any moment that proves me funny and clever. If I ever get to those purported pearly gates, and Peter says to me, Tell me a funny joke and you can come join the others, I will be doomed. I can spoil the best joke as I have absolutely no such skill. I usually warn anyone when I try to retell a funny joke I’ve heard . So sad.

As far as my chemo, I made the qualifying round and continued to the finals. Because of my recent itching episodes the last three days, I was taking Benadryl®, It did help the itching, by the way. Anyway, my blood pressure was really elevated on first take: 173/100 WHOA. Never had that before. They think it was from the Benadryl which I’d taken before leaving for chemo. It did calm back down, so all went fine after that.

Marvin brought me a gorgeous challis fringed scarf today with a floral motif of flowers and leaves in yellows, greens and deep reds. Beautiful. He also brought me a breakfast veggie burrito from the new UCI hospital cafeteria. It was huge and took me three hours to eat. We think the palate needs a bit lighter fare now that summer has arrived.

Anyway, the itching seems to have eased. My chemo team thinks it is some kind of reaction to something, though we couldn’t figure out what. They did not think it was a sign of anything serious, like liver metastasis, which has other obvious signs. I have Benadryl handy in case I need it, but so far since chemo, I have not had to take any.

We spent the day doing a few easy errands and visiting a farmer’s market in downtown Long Beach. We got new hats and sat in the shade watching the people show. Tonight, I’m researching and blogging and watching the beautiful sunset end a glorious day in SoCal.

5 6 7 8

itching

Yesterday I started itching. Itching everywhere. No rash or other symptoms except uncomfortable itching all over–my scalp, my back, my arms, legs, hands, feet. I thought it had gone away today as I spent most of the day without the severe itching. This evening, though, since I left the office, I am again fiercely itching. What the heck. I took a Benadryl® to see if that will help whatever it is. Is this just a side effect of chemo?

When I looked this up online, I saw it could be associated with a number of cancers and also liver metastases. I won’t think too much about it. At least, tomorrow I’m going to chemo and will be able to ask my chemo team about it.

Maybe it will just go away. Like the dizziness and the nosebleeds . I hope so.

5 6 7 8

farewells

Yesterday was the funeral for Michael Jackson. I watched a little but couldn’t really stay with it. It was emotional for me since I have spent a lot of time choreographing his music for dance classes. It’s very sad that such a monumental talent has left us so early in life, and I have not really wanted to dwell much on that reality. I still can’t believe that he is gone.

For anyone who appreciated his music, his dancing and performance, he was unique. It is impossible to imagine someone else who could have the kind of impact he had.

Also, Farrah’s passing, on the same day, was hard for me to accept. Her fight with cancer has touched me, and I respected her wish to share her story so others could learn and come away from it with more courage. She had courage. She had dignity.

I want to look at their lives again and learn something more from each one of them. They both gave a lot of themselves to the public that admired and idolized them. Yet, often the very public that idolizes their celebrities also denigrates them in a heartbeat. Sometimes, I think, people forget that celebrities are not simply figments of the media’s creation; they are people like us with feelings and fears and problems, exploited by the public, that they cannot easily overcome with their money and fame.

RIP, Farrah and Michael.

5 6 7 8

linking to FaceBook

I have now connected my FB account with my blog to make it easier for friends and family to zip over and check it out.