awakenings

The insurance has finally switched me from Harriman Jones to UCI, or, I guess, it’s called USP for the group name. That means I can have the appointment with the surgical oncology that my friends have recommended that I see. That’s a bit comforting. I have an appointment for Wednesday morning, but before then I need to get all my medical records, films and biopsy specimens to bring with me. That’s my current challenge.

Yesterday I mostly worked on clearing up office work that has piled up while I was working on the big project. Yesterday I had so many e-mails to answer, all I could do was just categorize them so I can attack them next when I have a moment between collecting my medical records. I was exhausted by six o’clock.

One of my residents called me to go have a bite, and at first I thought I was just too worn out, but I went. Marvin was working on getting ready for the art shows this weekend, the tour and the art walk, so he was occupied. I went to meet my two sweet residents around 7 and didn’t get home until 11. It was so therapeutic to talk about everything else but work and this development in my life. They both make me laugh and are so sweet and cheery, it’s always a delight to see them. It doesn’t seem so long ago that I was in my mid20s with so many things to look forward to. Now, I suddenly think, wow, that was a long time ago even though it doesn’t feel like it. I have enjoyed every age of my life because each part was distinct with a sort of awakening of new parts of me.

Now I think that this new part of my life must be bringing a new awakening to me that is not yet clear. It’s like when Steve came out. The end of one part of a life put me on the brink of a new part, but at that point you feel like you’re only teetering on the precipice and can’t see where you’re to place your next step.

For now I’m catching my breath, walking through the morning’s ocean water and getting through the day as usual. I’m sure things will take a new form soon, but for now it’s nice to be on the precipice maintaining my balance until it’s necessary that I step off.

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