awaiting diagnosis: breast cancer

Last night I went to buy books. Breast cancer survival books. It felt weird. I’m not buying or reading for someone else; it’s for me. It feels a bit like an out-of-body experience. I keep saying, this is me. It doesn’t want to compute inside my head. Feels like I’m getting an error message.

I am not acknowledging feelings. I don’t like the way they feel right now. The books call this period of waiting one of the worst times in this situation. What situation? Oh, yeah, this is really me I’m reading about. Terrified. That’s possibly a word to use though I find it hard to acknowledge. Marvin says it’s ok to be afraid. I hate this feeling, though. I’ve always enjoyed learning new things and finding the thrill in an adventure — yes, this must be a new adventure. Perspective might change my feelings . . . this is not terrified . . . let me find another word . . .

I went for my morning walk and now I’m having coffee. I’m trying to stay calm; took my little dose of lorezepam (generic for Ativan®). Funny, it’s the first time I’ve done this — taken anything in my life for anxiety. High energy always was a good thing. I guess anxiety is when high energy becomes a bit twisted.

Marvin is showering and then we’ll get ready to go see Butler —- how fitting, eh, Peach, the Butler and the Knife . . . . well, the show time is still to be decided.

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