starting chemo recovery and last shot of Neupogen

With the last shot of Neupogen® it felt like another step toward my destination. Of course, I’ve become somewhat fond of giving myself this shot every morning; it makes me feel like I’m contributing in some tangible way to my wellbeing.

The fuzz on my head tells me it’s another step. Each time I see or do something that is outwardly visible I feel closer to gaining more control of my life. It doesn’t matter that the regrowth of the hair doesn’t really have anything to do with the cancer being dead or still alive somewhere waiting to invade again; it makes me feel like I’m conquering evil. Recalling Samson, I feel I am stronger as my hair grows back, even though it’s white peach fuzz.

My lashes and brows are still sparse; I didn’t lose all of them, but they are quite bare and not yet growing back. My digestive system is also still acting up now and then. The bone pain is still visiting along with the neuropathy in my left fingers and toes. That usually comes at night when I’m trying to sleep, so I have spent a few nights awake until five o’clock. The next day I’m usually exhausted and sleep some during the day and then also at night.

It’s hard to believe, even going through this, how the weakness digs into your body. It permeates your being physically, psychologically and emotionally. Spiritually I meditate and pray to overcome this, and it does seem to help. Somehow I feel better. Maybe I talk myself into it.

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