fear

Tomorrow I go to see my hematology oncologist. We’ll find out about my chemo plan. Also, I’ll get the results of my PET scan, which I had on 3/24/09, the same day as my surgery follow-up.  I haven’t stopped thinking about it since they told me I needed to have this so they can find out whether the cancer metastasized anywhere else but the spine.  I have moments that I can barely breathe, wondering whether this is lurking anywhere else. My rad onc said we’ll treat it wherever it is and sounded very encouraging.

I just can’t bear to think about it being anywhere else. Maybe it’s because finding out about the mets is still so new I’m not used to the news that cancer returned to my spine let alone anywhere else. I keep thinking, well, at least, it’s just in my back; we’ll fight it. Then, I remember that we don’t know that yet, and the fear storms right in completely paralyzing my judgment. I can’t even think. Marvin can tell when it’s bad and always boosts my courage and faith and helps me hide from it.

When I’m alone, or, of course, at night, it dominates me. Work helps during the day; it keeps me occupied, distracted. When I take a break, like now, though, it attacks. I keep thinking that if the PET was clear, they would have called me to let me know. If it was not, they’d wait until my appointment to discuss everything. I’m even fretting about writing about it–it’s like you think that by writing about it, it will become real.

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