I don’t usually feel down about “all of this.” I stay away from the gruesome realities of stage IV cancer. This week, though, had too many harsh reminders that made it hard for me to escape that reality. I’m good at escape and at compartmentalizing my life. Generally, I can put away thoughts of one part of my life while dealing with another, and I can talk myself into pretty much anything. Between losing Elizabeth Edwards this week and having to complete paperwork for disability, I could not seem to hide from the negatives of this stupid disease.
I don’t want to mope around, but, honestly, I felt like I could have cried the entire day. Sometimes you want to remember what it feels like before this. You want to reach back in time and grasp a bright moment when life was free. To rise up from a chair and dash out the door at a pace that leaves others in the dust. To twirl across the floor in chené turns and stop on a dime. To stay up all hours of the night dancing and then get up early and go teach dance at the studio. To push around the furniture to right where I want it all by myself. To jump up on the counter to reach the shelf without pulling out a step stool. To work side by side with others at a competitive and frantic pace that used to be something I loved.
A friend and I were talking the other day about this. She said even when she is having a good spell or good days, she feels like there is always something pressing down on her shoulders, making her feel haggard. For me it feels like I’m dragging a lead ball on a chain. Yesterday I felt good about getting a few things done even though I was working at my snail’s pace. Today, my impatience returned and kicked me in the butt, frustrating me about my sluggish incompetence and inefficiency.
But, I cannot mope around nor do I want to. It accomplishes nothing. If I don’t have much patience in dealing with my physical limitations, I have even less patience with a pathetic, wimpy me. I know I need to put this all in perspective and adjust my attitude. I guess it’s time to meditate. Or to laugh, Or both. OK, laughing first and then meditating so I can sleep. That’s my plan to readjust my perspective.
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