As I write the heading on this post, my emotions are tumbling around between sadness, fear and hope. The part of my brain that is trying to maintain control is repeating the thought that we will have a plan in place soon and put this stupid cancer back into snooze mode again. Having been on Faslodex® for nearly two years, though, made me comfortable in the only way that one can feel comfortable with cancer rampaging through one’s body. I never took for granted that the day would come sometime when Faslodex would stop working, but I was really putting my hope and my mental wagering on its working for me for another year or maybe even two. I was not ready to say goodbye.
Going for treatment today and receiving only the bone-growth medication made me a little shaky as I have never been comfortable with missing treatment. I always hope, though, that we can keep it asleep with the least amount of force, preferring to whip out the big guns only as a last resort. The fear starts reverberating inside my head. It is loud and annoying and tries to drown out the hope. I try to shut it down. I deny it pleasure. I play happy music and sing happy songs—badly out of key but very happy. This might be even more annoying than that other sound.
After a quick pass through the imaging center for my CT scan of my torso, I was in x-ray for probably an hour. After that we skipped over—ok, well, hubby pushed me in the wheelchair—to the infusion center to get my usual therapy of cancer killing drug and bone regeneration drug, but, as I mentioned, without the cancer killing drug. It was the fastest stop of the day as the infusion center was swamped with all the patients who changed from the Friday schedule, closed tomorrow for the holiday, to today. The staff were zipping around so fast you could almost hear them buzz.
By the time I finished, I was so exhausted that I slept nearly two hours when we got home. You would have thought that with the reduced amount of drugs circulating in my body today, I would have been more perky. Maybe it is the pain medication from last night that is still making me lethargic or maybe just the emotional toll of this sudden change of direction. Whatever it is, I know I long to lie down again and feel the sleep wash over me.
The new year is on the way, however, so I need to rev up. We have some celebrating to do.
5 6 7 8
© 2004–2011 Donna Peach. All rights reserved.