meditating on the now

As the day seemed to crawl by, pain in my left hip radiated through my knee off and on. I was exhausted and spent the day home, trying to recover from yesterday. Still considering my options and coming to terms with my decision. I will probably be settled after I see the neurology oncologist Monday about the numbness in my face. I am trying not to think much about that as to whether it is related or not to the cancer. It just feels too weird, it’s horrendous when I eat, requiring me to hold onto my lip with my finger to avoid repeatedly chomping down on the now very swollen and sore inner lip.

For now, I am meditating on my choices and trying to relax with my current status. The fear always seeps into the most unwelcome moment: times when Marvin and I are enjoying a conversation, a meal, right as I seem to be peacefully drifting off to sleep, and, oddly, some busy times that seem unlikely for such an intrusion by that unwelcome terrorist. Sometimes I think I am falling asleep often because my my mind shuts the door so I can rest and leave that unwelcome guest out in the cold, banging on the locked door.

Tonight I believe I will dream of much more pleasant scenes. I will be choreographing and dancing, as I normally do in my dreams, like I have in the past, ignoring my current disabled body, and that is a sweet repose that wakes me in the morning with a smile and so many ideas. I always keep my iPhone near so I can record those seeds and keep them for the next time I need to grow either a dance or a poem.

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© 2004–2012 Donna Peach. All rights reserved.

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5 responses to “meditating on the now

  1. Thinking of you….((((HUGS)))) coming your way!

  2. Donna:

    It is so hard to stay in the day. All your readers are surely thinking of you and sending you affection. I truly appreciate your posts. You may not be able to dance like you once did but your gift for writing makes your words just dance off the page.

  3. I’m all too familiar with that door-pounding intruder, unfortunately. Not to mention the da**ed pain… gah!! Keeping my fingers crossed that both our upcoming consultations will be less scary than we fear, that the pain backs off soon, and that we have more good moments than bad in the coming week.

    xoxoxoxox… and a nice soothing cuppa, to warm the soul

  4. Fear is very intrusive isn’t it? Hope the meeting with your neurology oncologist went well. Thanks for writing.

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