Wandering from wondering to scheduling to wondering . . . that’s how my mind felt all day. Unable to focus. Needing a place to feel a sense of calm, of peace.
Today the imaging department called to inform me the insurance had approved my emergency MRI. Time to schedule my scans. Good. Let’s do all of them Friday. CT scans with contrast of chest and abdomen followed by a three-hour MRI scan with contrast of brain and entire spine.
I keep feeling dizzy, and I’m not sure why. Maybe I am more frenzied about all of this, and it’s causing that or it’s another symptom of whatever the cancer is doing. It is getting difficult to demarcate where one reality ends and the other begins. All day, I think, I am fine. I will be fine. This could be nothing. It could be my imagination. Maybe I’m not even dizzy. Maybe I think I’m dizzy.Maybe the pain is not real. The numbness in my face is a dream. Then, I bite my lip, and it reminds me that it all is real.
What is more frightening? The tests or what they might reveal or what they might not reveal. So, I ignore the pains, the headache, the dizziness, the numbness and everything else. It is time to find some peace, to meditate and escape from the physical realm. I don’t know of any other way. Time to chase the physical symptoms with a pill and to take my mind to that peaceful place where hiding brings comfort and that sense of calm.
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