what do you call me

complete your treatment / they call you a survivor / don’t mess up later ♦ if you have the nerve / to get it again later / you will be alone ♦ survivors ignore / you—it’s too scary to look … Continue reading →

podcast from LBBC: Drucilla Brethwaite

While I was out today scooting around Disneyland with my sister and niece who are visiting from Michigan, I missed the teleconference sponsored by Living Beyond Breast Cancer. When I got home tonight, I downloaded the podcast so I can … Continue reading →

how about the Enterprise alert system instead of scanning

Today I am preparing for my return to the imaging center tomorrow for a PET scan that we run every three to six months, depending on whether my tumor markers are dropping, stable or, ugh, rising. As I always like … Continue reading →

PET scan 4

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Crawling out of bed in the dark at 0430 is not my idea of a pleasant way to start the day. Getting ready to go for a PET scan, when a few symptoms are making me skittish, makes me want … Continue reading →

wondering too much

jittery tonight / before tomorrow’s PET scan / deep breaths, fingers crossed ♦ silly to worry / yet my mind rejects reason / wondering too much ♦ wondering too much / about whatever cannot / change any outcomes ♦ yes, … Continue reading →

upcoming PET scan

When I met with my oncologist, she ordered a PET scan to follow up on a couple of areas that have been bothering me. I will keep thinking positive since my tumor markers were nice and stable and low the … Continue reading →

restless nights

they hide from the light / suspecting my fierce resolve / weakens at sunset ♦ fear, dread, foreboding / slither from inky darkness / across my pillow ♦ strangling my thoughts / till sleep rescues me with dreams / of … Continue reading →

life is immediate

two years, maybe ten / cancer makes life uncertain / wrenching hopes and plans future’s all unknown / banish the torment of fear / it does one no good live in the moment / your life’s immediate joy / ignite … Continue reading →

National Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day

Can we say happy Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day? Frankly—hell, no. It is not one of those clubs you wish to join. Yet, an estimated 160,000 of us have membership in MBC, but the survival rates for us have improved … Continue reading →

metastatic cancer: my piece

transformation, change call it whatever you want you never go back ♦ you long to be free from the fear, the depression the pain, the disease ♦ ♦ an unwelcome guest metastatic cancer stays long beyond hello ♦ ♦ ♦ … Continue reading →

thinning skin: who is this wuss?

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I used to have thick skin. My family and friends would probably say I can be argumentative, though, I think they’d also give me a little credit for refraining from diving into an argument for the sheer joy of the … Continue reading →

advanced cancer: dancing with acceptance

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lion’s eyes meet mine who will win this tug of war my own eyes flash back ♦     ♦     ♦     ♦     ♦ I don’t accept my diagnosis of advanced cancer. Maybe sometime later. Maybe some day. Not … Continue reading →

unlikely invitation

I was filling out one of those questionnaires the other day, you know, the ones that ask you about your interests: bicycling, biking, dancing, hiking, martial arts, running, tennis . . . Sometimes I don’t know how to answer those … Continue reading →

stalking lion

returning with avengeance, the lion stalks me through the darkest night i run, twisting andflipping over brittle brushlanding on my back looking up to seehis face flashing terriblejaw gaping at mehis roar deafens me with fierce intimidationi recoil in feari … Continue reading →

chemo 2.4.1: arriving for treatment

guarded and shaking with fear, patients arrive at Chao with tears concealed ♦ when they step inside, though, warm smiles greet them thriving oasis ♦     ♦     ♦     ♦     ♦ I am receiving my treatment at University … Continue reading →

coping and progressive relaxation

here comes the lion staring me straight in the eye i don’t want to look ♦     ♦     ♦     ♦     ♦ Some days the fright crawls under your skin, creeps across your scalp and etches itself on … Continue reading →

more to ponder–let’s hide again

scary business this cancer thing — do not cower fight strong . . . or go hide Often I just hide. Behind work. Behind Marvin. Behind dance. But I have to come back out from hiding. Like now. I’ve been … Continue reading →

nighttime fear and pain

night terrors sneak into my subconsciousness, disturbing my peaceful dreaming waking the pain who gladly ignites night time fear my dance must soothe the lion but tonight he is roaring he cannot hear me or the beat of the music … Continue reading →

breast cancer lumpectomy today

Dr. Butler’s assistant called Monday to reschedule my date — Thursday, July 1. That’s today. Peach, Butler and the Knife. It went by fast. I’m getting ready this morning, and my stomach is full of butterflies. My mouth is dry, … Continue reading →

breast cancer surgery anticipation

I now have a date with Butler and the knife, woohoo. July 8. This is great because I can do what I need to do next week with my graduates and my incoming residents and even enjoy the birthday of … Continue reading →